"The Parents Aren't All Right"

As I drove to Maine for another great camp meeting yesterday, I turned on The New York Times' podcast, The Daily. The title of the episode: "The Parents Aren't All Right: Parents report being more stressed than other adults, and the U.S. surgeon general now considers raising a family a health risk." Listen to it here.

The theme is "intensive parenting," which is explored from a few angles in the episode. In the past month or so, I've spoken to many directors who felt exhausted by parental expectations and seemingly limitless questions or demands over the summer. They are showing signs of intensive parenting. As is noted in this podcast episode, and as I see in my own life as a parent of young kids, it is more difficult to fight against the "norm" of intensive parenting than it is to just go with it, like everyone else. But, is that what parents really want? Or do they want to foster independence in their children, make time for themselves, and worry less? I happen to think, if given "permission," parents would opt for the latter. And fostering this independence for both kids and their parents and guardians is what camps do best. Parents don't want to be overwhelmed and anxious. But they also don't want to be judged, or to feel like they are the only one not being intensive.

At this moment in our history, camps need to capitalize on the overwhelm and anxiety that parents feel. And by capitalize, I mean, help them. Help the kids and the parents. With books like The Anxious Generation gaining ground right now, this is a pivotal moment for camps to stand up and tell everyone what they do for kids and their families. Give that "permission" for parents to let go and for kids to figure out life's daily joys and struggles, themselves, within a safe and fun environment.

After taking up the cause for fewer devices and more independent play in my town, I've had a lot of interesting discussions with parents. I often talk about camp - seemingly the only place where kids can be away from devices 24/7 - and the subject has started to intrigue parents who might not have given overnight camp a second look in the past. I recently gave a webinar to a small group of parents who identified themselves as wanting to learn about overnight camp but having had some reservations about it. Of course, I began with all the wonderful and important life skills that kids learn at camp, along with the lifelong friends they make, but I also did not hold back in telling these parents that in order for them and their kids to be successful at overnight camp, they had to figure out how to manage their own anxiety. I gave them tools and questions to ask camp directors before selecting a camp, because we all know that trust in camp leadership is key. (My social work degree seems to always come in handy when it comes to camp.)

How can you, as a camp leader, support your new camp parents in this without coming off as patronizing or belittling? There is definitely an art to it. When you speak to them, away from their child, lean into the uncomfortable. What might seem like old hat or even common sense to directors is not necessarily intuitive information for parents new to this overnight camp journey. Put yourself in the position of an intensive parent who is excited but scared to take the leap of sending their child away. You must empathize with their position before you discuss anything else.

Once you have clearly outlined your communication plan with them (exactly the types of times they will or will not be hearing from you, and why - see blog post here), ask how they feel about it. Ask, "What are your concerns? Do you have fears? What are the kinds of things you can imagine wanting to know from us during the summer?" Let them know if that sounds realistic or not, depending on your camp. Honesty is what trust is centered in. Include important information such as: "Your child will get into conflicts with peers. Your child will cry at some point. Your child will not feel comfortable the entire time. With adult help, your child will have to figure many things out for themselves. This is the beauty of camp. It's a community. Your child may not be best friends with the person in the bed next to them, but they'll learn that that's ok. Setting them up for independence, confidence, and a genuine connection to others is why you're sending them on this journey. What they learn at camp will serve them well forever. There will be lots of laughter and smiles, but not every moment is going to be perfect. Help us by setting up your child to be successful."

Explain what that means to the parent. Let them know what to say: "Tell your child that they'll likely have a blast at camp, make great friends, and take away wonderful memories. At the same time, they may feel homesick sometimes, which is normal and should pass. They'll need to learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable sometimes. They'll need to learn how to lose a game or fail with dignity. They'll be surrounded by a supportive community. And if for any reason they don't feel supported, they should talk to an adult at camp. Going away to camp is a great adventure." By telling parents to explain this to their children, they in turn will have to hear themselves say it. And, by all means, tell parents NOT to tell their child that if they don't like it after a few days that they'll be "rescued!"

If you can't speak to every set of parents or guardians, at the very least, put together a mandatory Zoom session for all of them together. Include it in your parent orientation. Putting in the effort before camp will pay off during camp. It is helpful to put your above explanations in writing somewhere in addition to saying it to them, so that you can refer back to it when a parent gets upset about, or makes demands against, something that is just par for the course at camp.

-Nick

P.S. I'm still debriefing Summer 2024 with directors, so feel free to chat with me about how this summer went.

Subscribe to Directing Camp Today for camp directors: click here and scroll to the bottom of the page.